St. Andrews, UK • September 2020 • Length of Read: 10 Minutes
“What on earth is a pizza crunch?” asked Ryan in a bemused tone as he eyeballed the chip shop’s takeaway menu. It had been a six-hour journey to get to the coastal town of Anstruther for the man from Sheffield, followed by a full round of golf, and he was ravenous.
“Deep-fried pizza, of course,” answered Gadams with a shiver as a strong North Sea breeze whipped over the harbour walls. I only had a t-shirt on for protection and my nipples had become rock hard in defence. “A local delicacy here in Scotland,” I added. “You can’t come here and not give it a try.”
“Gluten-free fish supper for me,” said Aaron quickly, Ryan’s playing partner for the day. The pair had enviously completed a round on St. Andrews famed Old Course that afternoon whilst I’d been chained to my desk at work and were on cloud nine. After a shaky start of laying up short of the water on the 1st from 116 yards, Aaron had eventually grown some balls by the back 9, culminating in a glorious up-and-down from the infamous 17th Road Hole bunker.
Three-and-a-half years had passed since we’d met flashpacking around New Zealand, our bond having been cemented with an epic outing to Queenstown Golf Club at Kelvin Heights. Gadams had taken the spoils that day, his victory secured with a nerveless birdie up the narrow par 5 closing hole; much to the delight of the nursing home fan club he’d managed to garner attention from under the beating southern summer sun.
It had been a long time in the making, but Ryan was anticipating a different outcome this time around, his handicap having plummeted thanks to the daily practice sessions and significant kit investment. I was still dubious, mind you, and was quietly convinced that he had all the gear but still no idea. We’d find out soon enough, with a tee-off time at the coastal Castle Course booked for early the following morning; our first of 6 rounds to be played over that long-weekend to find a victor of the inaugural, but already steeped in history, Kiwi Kiwi Golf Invitational.
Round 1 – Castle Course
“This man knows how to play Links golf,” chuckled the Starter as my ball drilled low off the 1st tee and skipped along the undulating fairway. I turned and gave a wry smile to my playing partner for the day, Aaron, doing my best to hide the fact that it had been a complete miss-hit knife of a shot and that my hands were still stinging from the impact.
“Cracking shot,” announced Ryan as Gadams then sliced a high moon ball 50 yards right towards the main road before it disappeared into hillock of dense heather. The man still had a lot to understand about Links golf, but as it would quickly become apparent he was a fast learner indeed.
Nervous punches were traded in the opening stages, net pars doing enough to level the scoreboard back-and-forth until we reached Briery Hill – the behemoth 518-yard par 5 4th hole. After a cracking drive down the left-hand side, Aaron left himself the option to lay up with his approach or to take on the burn guarding the green and reach the putting surface in two. “What do you think, Crobs?” he asked me, evidently in two minds. “You’re taking it on,” I said with no hesitation. “This tournament rewards the brave, not the meek.” Choosing his weapon, Aaron took a few practice swings before proceeding to smash the ball along a frozen rope directly towards the flagstick, his shot coming to rest no more than 3 foot from the pin. “Unbelievable,” gasped Ryan from the other side of the fairway, in complete disbelief as to what Aaron had just pulled out the bag. Did he miss the eagle putt? Of course, he did, we’re not professionals. But the game was now afoot and the first blow had been dealt.
A brief stop at the halfway hut for some bacon rolls offered up the most spectacular of vistas. “Dolphins were playing in the bay the other day,” said the Eastern European girl behind the counter as she served us, “and sometimes I even get a glimpse of the fighter jets from the nearby RAF base as they roar past on training exercises. It’s not bad for an office view.”
The wind bore its ugly teeth as we made the turn, our tee shots on the par 3 10th battering our balls straight left and into the gorse like swatted flies. Its full force was then felt on the par 4 11th as I ripped back-to-back 2-irons and still couldn’t reach the green in regulation. It was becoming less about good scoring and more about trying to finish each hole without a lost ball or unwanted trip into the dense, wispy heather. I managed my first birdie of the tournament after a dialled-in wedge on the course’s shortest par 3, but we got little respite and weren’t helped by the speedy 4-ball playing right up behind us.
“That’s Fife golf for you right there,” laughed Graham as yet another of my putts slipped by the hole and I let out a yell of frustration. Another dropped shot, and as we reached the signature 17th hole the match still hung in the balance. A daunting 200+ yards par 3, the tee shot needs to be hit over the side of a cliff edge as the roaring ocean to the right takes all your attention and whispers of ‘out-of-bounds’ circle in the wind… and your mind. Gadams and I proceeded to step up and banana slice our balls straight into the North Sea. Pretty much par for the course at this point.
It came down to some nerves of steel on the 18th green to break the deadlock, Aaron snaking in a 10-foot par putt to take the hole and claim the match-play spoils by the most narrow of margins. Although our team had won the match, however, the course had been the real victor, Ryan topping the Stableford standings with a measly 26 points and the rest of us only managing a depressing 21 points each. As we jumped in the cars and headed into the Home of Golf, each of us was praying for improved performance that afternoon.
Round 2 – Jubilee Course
There was not much to write home about for our second round. 29 points across the board proved that the Jubilee was an easier test of golf, but by no means were any of us firing on all cylinders yet. Ryan took the closest to the pins and long drive challenges, but couldn’t turn these opportunities into points on the scoreboard. I had to play the first 4 holes with a burrowing migraine, the covid-19 distancing measures in place meaning water and food were in short supply. Running on fumes, I was just happy to make it round in one piece and not give up too much ground on my opposition. Even the match-play element of the competition was halved, which meant that Ryan and I would be paired together once again the following morning during the 3rd round.
Round 3 – Eden Course
The easiest course on paper, the Eden is slightly inland and sheltered from the sea, but can still prove to be a tricky track if you don’t keep it straight off the tee or get your yardages incorrect. Feeling rejuvenated, Gadams and I set off hot out the gates, both of us taking advantage of a course that we had played before.
Saying that, however, Gadams wouldn’t be looking for a repeat of the incident that occurred the last time he was in town when his cousin shanked a tee shot straight into the chest of a fellow golfer standing on the green of a bordering hole. The man hit the ground like he’d been shot and lay motionless for a scarily long time before crawling back to his feet. Walking over to sincerely apologise, a heated argument erupted between the two parties before a course marshal passed by on a buggy and managed to calm things down.
A three-ball of older gentlemen were playing up our arses from the get-go, so we kindly let the play through on the 5th. With the casting eyes of four ‘youngsters’ watching over them, however, they proceeded to top each of their respective balls all the way from tee-to-green, somehow managing to claim that it was our fault in the process. After a bit of a spat on the 9th tee about our slow play, the highlight came when all four of us attached the par 5 in two, coming away with a couple of birdies between us – Legends.
Taking stock of the halfway scores on the next tee, a daunting and long par 3 back into the breeze, a foreign Goddess came jogging down the public path towards us. The beauty of St. Andrews golf is that all the courses are public land, and many people were out on this sunny morning walking their dogs, cycling and getting some fresh air. It was my time to impress, and I duly ripped my 3-iron straight onto the green. She, nor anyone else in the vicinity for that matter, even so much as blinked an eye.
Unperturbed, I continued in good form and strung together back-to-back birdies in the closing holes whilst Gadams faltered. It was enough for an impressive 7-over-par round 77, cutting into the lead that Ryan had built up after the first day and securing the match-play win in the process. I love the psychological process of facing an opponent; being able to wear them down with repeated banter.
Round 4– Jubilee Course
Making sure I was well-fed and watered this time round, I stepped onto the first tee at the Jubilee course with renewed confidence. I was playing better, had the layout of this course fresh in my mind from the day before, and was ready to post a low number. Life had other plans, however, and my opening tee shot was a massive duck hook about 30 yards left. I found myself playing my second from the Old Course and, despite my best recovery efforts, chalked down a bogey 5. This continued for the rest of the front 9 and as blisters on my feet began to form it was back to the drawing board.
Saying that, I was faring better than Aaron. Having not managed to break 90 in his first three rounds he was at the rear of the pack and had reverted to using a 7-iron off the tee for safety. A change of tactic which initially worked well, but things then unravelled on the 11th tee when he snap-hooked it straight left over the out-of-bounds-line and was welcomed with a splash as it landed in the ocean below. “Whoa, baby,” we commented as his face turned red. “Michael Jackson. Whoa, baby.”
By the time we reached the 15th the blisters on my feet had swollen to golf ball-size proportions and every step down the fairway was met with wincing pain. My chaffed arse adding to the discomfort, I somehow managed to hold myself together for the final four holes and post a respectable score but it was then straight to the supermarket to get plasters, antiseptic cream and dressing. After a lovely dinner in The Ship Inn in the nearby town of Elie, a wild Saturday night was spent tending to my wounds and watching Sherlock Holmes 2: A Game of Shadows. Absolute banter
Round 5 – New Course
A 5:30am alarm clock awoke us from our slumber for the final day of competition, with the very first tee time on the New Course having our names against it. The wheels of my rented trolley picked up the early-morning dew as we marched down from the clubhouse; not a soul around. Despite lacking my morning coffee, the morning chills kept me alert as I basked in the serene silence. It was still all to play for in the main Stableford competition, with a much sought-after trophy on offer for the champion golfer who could come out on top. Ordered online and shipped from Asia, Gadams was required to superglue it back together after it failed to make it through the international postage service unscathed. A rather apt trophy for such a troubled and ego-checking golf competition. Win or lose, I think we all felt that the monetary aspect of the prize pot wouldn’t be wasted were it put towards collective group lessons.
Steady as she goes seemed to be Ryan’s motto for the New Course that morning as he strung together 10 straight pars to start the day with a bang. Gadams made a nice birdie two to keep in contention, whilst Aaron and I may as well have been playing tennis for all we were worth. We could have been locked up in Bantanimo Bay for some of the dreadful shot-making on display.
Ryan quickly realised that he was on track to break a personal record and things took a more serious turn. After a small wobble on the 16th to take him 1-over-par for the round, Ryan flushed a 3-wood on the long par 3 17th and drained the putt to take him back to level par standing on the 18th tee.
“I’ve never shot level par before,” he admitted, the fire in his eyes showing how much this would mean to him, especially on such a prestigious and challenging course. Putting his ball on the tee peg and taking several deep breaths, he then proceeded to splat his next two shots right and then father right, his ball coming to rest pin high but a good 30 feet off-target. A decent chip left a makeable par putt, but it was evidently Ladies Day as he left it short (does your husband play?) and had to settle for a one-over-par 72.
An outstanding and consistent round of golf nonetheless and proof that power and showmanship is nothing without the nuts and bolts tightened first. His fairway and green in regulation stats were remarkable for the first time playing a course and it was far and away the best of all 24 combined rounds played that weekend. The erratic golfer we had witnessed in New Zealand 3 years ago was nowhere to be seen and this was proof that hard work and persistent practice can pay significant dividends.
Round 6 – New Course
It was a déjà vu moment standing back on the first tee, the sun now beating down from the clear blue skies. To have had three rain-free days of golf on the east coast of Scotland is quite unheard of and to be able to tee up in short sleeves was other-worldly. Back-to-back rounds on the New Course wasn’t ideal, but there were no complaints. With sun cream all over my slippery hands, I pulled out my trusty 5-iron and knocked one down the middle.
Despite finding water hazard after bunker after out-of-bounds, I’d somehow managed to keep my scores ticking over and carried a 1 point Stableford lead over Ryan into the final round, himself with a 2 point lead over Gadams. Aaron was just happy to be there at that point, having amassed a score that would have been deemed exceptional at Lord’s Cricket Ground. Shot, shot, pint, shot, shot, sick.
Playing from behind, Gadams took on an aggressive game plan and quickly made up some ground. A martial was sat in his buggy right behind the tee box on the par 5 8th hole; timekeeping and ensuring that there were no choppers out there destroying the course. Becoming slightly nervous with a figure of authority present, my attempt to smash the life out of my drive resulted in a 15 yard top straight into the thick gorse barely in front of the ladies tee – much to Ryan’s delight. What he didn’t count on, however, was me finding the ball, ripping a 4-iron back into play, and then ripping another 4-iron straight over a blind summit right towards the green. We got to the top of the hill to see that my ball had come to rest less than a foot from the pin. “Golf just isn’t that difficult,” I trolled as I knocked it in for birdie.
Alas, this moment of heroics wasn’t enough to save the day, however, and Gadams ended up making a par on the 108th hole to clinch a 3 point victory over Ryan and myself who ended up in a tie for second.
We nudged elbows in a congratulatory gesture and headed across to the Old Course Swilkan Bridge, one of the most iconic images in golf, for the presentation ceremony. I took great honour in donning Gadams with a charity shop-bought Tweed Jacket as Aaron handed him the weighty trophy and Ryan read out the final scores. Gadams then made a short acceptance speech thanking some of his most trusted believers in Bantersaurus Rex, the Bantom of the Opera, and Banter Claus, before proposing we spend our winnings on a trip to Pizza Hut (13 slices) followed by a full cooked breakfast at Weatherspoons the following morning. A perfect send-off to an incredible weekend with a bunch of legends.
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